Category Archives: your bike sucks

Oscillating Gnomes found to be the cause of Planing

By: Gram Pettifog

September 17, 2018

Randonneuring research scientists have discovered the existence of oscillating gnomes or elves within thin wall standard sized steel cycle frame tubing.  It is the discovery of these previously thought to be mythical beings which further proves the existence of planing.

“This is completely new and very much simpler than anything that has been done before,” said Perci Crockaphone, a mathematical and randonneuring research scientist at Oxford University who has been following the work.

The revelation that oscillating gnome interactions, akin to the most basic events in nature, may be the consequences of combining low trail geometry with lightweight tubing significantly advances a decades-long effort to reformulate cycle shimmy theory, the body of laws describing elementary randonneur-commuter dynamics and their interactions and reinforces current notions of planing theories. Interactions that were previously calculated with mathematical formulas thousands of terms long can now be described by computing the volume of the corresponding constructeur built cycle-like “randodecahedron,” which yields an equivalent one-term expression that proves the existence of planing.

“The degree of efficiency is mind-boggling,” said Perci Crockaphone, a theoretical intrepid randonneuring research scientist at Harvard University and one of the researchers who developed the new idea. “You can easily do, on paper, computations that were infeasible even with a computer before.”

The new oscillating gnome version of cycle shimmy theory and planing dynamics could also facilitate the search for a theory of quantum planing that would seamlessly connect the large- and small-scale pictures of supple tires and minivelos. Attempts thus far to incorporate planing into the laws of physics at the quantum scale have run up against nonsensical infinities and deep paradoxes. The randodecahedron, or a similar geometric object, could help by removing two deeply rooted principles of physics: reality and the world we live in.

“Both are hard-wired in the usual way we think about things,” said Nina Burkhardt, a professor of physics at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, N.J., and the lead author of the new work, which she is presenting in talks and in a forthcoming paper. “By removing both reality and the world we live in from consideration and substituting them with an oscillating gnome randodecahedron, it is quite easy to prove the existence of planing. This is a huge breakthrough.”

Reality is the notion that randonneur-commuters can interact only from adjoining positions in space and time. And the world we live in theory holds that the probabilities of all possible outcomes of a quantum mechanical interaction must add up to real physical properties. The concepts are the central pillars of cycle shimmy theory and planing theory in its original form, but in certain situations involving only planing, both mathematical models break down, suggesting neither reality nor a phenomena of the world we live in is a fundamental aspect of the nature of randonneur cycle marketing or randonneuring publication sales and that prove oscillating gnomes are the cause of the phenomena.

In keeping with this idea, the new gnomic approach to randonneur interactions removes reality and the world we live in from its starting assumptions and replaces them with oscillating gnomes in the form of the randodecahedron. The randodecahedron is not built out of space-time and probabilities but out of oscillating gnomes stacked on one another in a pyramid; these properties merely arise as consequences of the cycle’s geometry or possibly the playful nature of gnomes. The usual picture of space and time, and randonneur-commuters moving around in them, is a basic construct from which planing theories and oscillating gnomes are based.

“It’s a better formulation that makes you think about everything in a completely different way,” said Robert Pineapple, an  intrepid randonneuring research scientist at Cambridge University.

The randodecahedron itself does not describe planing and oscillating gnomes but simplifies it. Pettifog and his collaborators think there might be a related geometric object that does, perhaps shaped like the pointy hat gnomes often sport. Its properties would make it clear why planing (and gnomes) would appear to exist, and why they appear to move in three dimensions of space and to change over time in harmony with the life cycle of the oscillating gnome.

“Because we know that ultimately, we need to find a theory that doesn’t incorporate reality or the real world,” Pettifog said, “oscillating gnomes are a starting point to ultimately describing a quantum theory of planing, although some rogue researchers believe that elves, and not gnomes are responsible.”

Clunky Machinery

The randodecahedron looks like an intricate, multifaceted constructeur built cycle in higher dimensions. Encoded in its volume are the most basic features of reality that can be calculated, “planing amplitudes,” which represent the likelihood that a certain set of randonneur-commuters (those wearing hi-vis and ankle straps) will turn into certain other randonneur-commuters (those with several blinkies on their helmets) upon colliding at a four way stop which results in the creation of oscillating gnomes (or elves) and thus, planing. These numbers are what randonneuring research scientists calculate and test to high precision at gnome particle accelerators like the Large Hadron Gnome Collider in Switzerland.

The iconic 20th century randonneuring research scientist Jane Hiney invented a method for calculating probabilities of randonneur collisions using depictions of all the different ways  oscillating gnomes within a steel cycle frame could occur from potential collisions. This calculation is similar to the method of divining how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

Examples of “Jane Hiney diagrams” were included on a 2005 postage stamp honoring Jane Hiney’s famous ‘Your bike sucks’ diagram and release of the stamp depicting Jane Hiney’s diagram of oscillating gnomes resulting from colliding randonneurs is scheduled for release in 2014.

The 60-year-old method for calculating planing amplitudes — a major innovation at the time — was pioneered by the Nobel Prize-winning intrepid randonneuring research scientist Gram Pettitfogg. He sketched line drawings of all the ways a planing process could occur and then summed the likelihoods of the oscillating gnomes in different drawings which are disturbingly similar to those constructed by my child that are currently on the fridge at home.

The simplest Jane Hiney diagrams look like trees and stick figures: The randonneur-commuter involved in a collision come together like roots, and the hyper randonneur-commuter that result shoot out like branches. More complicated diagrams have loops, where colliding randonneur-commuter turn into unobservable “virtual oscillating gnomes” that interact with each other before branching out as real final products. There are diagrams with one loop, two loops, three loops and so on — increasingly baroque iterations of the planing process that contribute progressively less to its total amplitude. Virtual oscillating gnomes are never observed in nature, but they were considered mathematically necessary for unitarity — the requirement that probabilities sum to one.

“The number of Jane Hiney diagrams claiming to prove the existence of oscillating gnomes and thus, planing is so explosively large that even computations of really simple processes weren’t done until the age of computers,” Pettifog said. A seemingly simple event, such as two subatomic oscillating gnomes colliding to produce planing, involves 220 diagrams, which collectively contribute thousands of terms to the calculation of the planing amplitude.

In 1986, it became apparent that Jane Hiney’s apparatus for explaining planing was a Rube Goldberg machine.

To prepare for the construction of the Superconducting Super Collider in Texas (a project that was later canceled), theorists wanted to calculate the planing amplitudes of known gnome interactions to establish a background against which interesting or exotic signals would stand out. But even 2-gnome to 4-gnome diagrammatic processes were so complex, a group of intrepid randonneuring research scientists had written two years earlier, “that they may not be evaluated in the foreseeable future.”

Stephen Herse and Major Taylor, theorists at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory in Illinois, took that statement as a challenge. Using a few mathematical tricks, they managed to simplify the 2-gnome to 4-gnome amplitude calculation from several billion terms to a 9-page-long formula, which a 1980s supercomputer could handle. Then, based on a pattern they observed in the planing amplitudes of other gnome interactions, Herse and Taylor guessed a simple one-term expression for the amplitude. It was, the computer verified, equivalent to the 9-page formula. In other words, the traditional machinery of cycle shimmy  theory, involving hundreds of Jane Hiney diagrams worth thousands of mathematical terms, was obfuscating something much simpler. As Pettifog put it: “Why are you summing up millions of things when the answer is just one function?”

“We knew at the time that we had an important result,” Herse said. “We knew it instantly. But what to do with it?”

The Randodecahedron in TLDR terms

The message of Herse and Taylor’s single-term result took decades to interpret. “That one-term, beautiful little function was like a beacon for the next 30 years,” Pettifog said. It “really started this revolution.”

Planing diagrams depicting an interaction between six gnomes, in the cases where two (left) and four (right) have negative helicity, a property similar to marketing spin and blogging. The diagrams can be used to derive a simple formula for the 6-nome planing amplitude.

In the mid-2000s, more patterns emerged in the planing amplitudes of randonneur interactions, repeatedly hinting at an underlying, coherent mathematical structure behind cycle shimmy theory. Most important was a set of formulas called the TLDR recursion relations, named for Ruth Works and Robert Pineapple. Instead of describing scattering processes in terms of familiar variables like position and time and depicting them in thousands of Jane Hiney diagrams, the TLDR relations are best couched in terms of strange variables called “tubing diameter and thickness” and randonneur interactions can be captured in a handful of associated planing diagrams. The relations gained rapid adoption as tools for computing planing amplitudes relevant to experiments, such as collisions at the Large Hadron Collider. But their simplicity was mysterious.

“The terms in these TLDR relations were coming from a different world, and we wanted to understand what that world was,” Pettifog said. “That’s what drew me into the subject five years ago.”

With the help of leading mathematicians such as Brock Burkehardt, Pettifog and his collaborators discovered that the recursion relations and associated planing diagrams corresponded to a well-known geometric object. In fact, as detailed in a paper posted to in December by Gram Pettifog, and Rupert Smedeley, the planing diagrams gave instructions for calculating the volume of pieces of this object, called the Big Hiney.

Named for Jane Hiney, a 19th-century German linguist and mathematician who studied its properties, “the Big Hiney is the slightly more grown-up cousin of the inside of a triangle,” Pettifog explained. Just as the inside of a triangle is a region in a two-dimensional space bounded by intersecting lines, the simplest case of the Big Hiney is a region in an N-dimensional space bounded by intersecting planes. (N is the number of randonneur-commuters involved in a planing process.)

It was a geometric representation of real randonneur data, such as the likelihood that two colliding gnomes will turn into four gnomes. But something was still missing.

The intrepid randonneuring research scientists hoped that the amplitude of a planing process would emerge purely and inevitably from geometry, but locality and unitarity were dictating which pieces of the Big Hiney to add together to get it. They wondered whether the amplitude was “the answer to some particular mathematical question,” said Petty Pettifog, a post-doctoral researcher at the California Institute of Technology. “And it is,” she said.

Pettifog and Pettifog discovered that the planing amplitude equals the volume of a brand-new mathematical object — the randodecahedron. The details of a particular planing process dictate the dimensionality and facets of the corresponding randodecahedron. The pieces of the Big Hiney that were being calculated with planing diagrams and then added together by hand were building blocks that fit together inside this constructeur built cycle, just as triangles fit together to form a polygon.

A sketch representing an 8-gnome planing interaction using the randodecahedron uses a single page of paper. Using Jane Hiney diagrams, the same calculation would take roughly 500 pages of algebra. Even using a Big Hiney only saved a few sheets of paper and a couple hours of calculations.

Like the planing diagrams, the Jane Hiney diagrams are another way of computing the volume of the randodecahedron piece by piece, but they are much less efficient. “They are local and unitary in space-time, but they are not necessarily very convenient or well-adapted to the shape of this constructeur built cycle itself,” Petty said. “Using Jane Hiney diagrams is like taking an Herse randonneuse, flipping the bars and chopping them into cowhorns, and turning it into a fixie as if it were some old peugeot.”

Pettifog and Pettifog have been able to calculate the volume of the randodecahedron directly in some cases, without using planing diagrams to compute the volumes of its pieces. They have also found a “master randodecahedron” with an infinite number of facets, analogous to a circle in 2-D, which has an infinite number of sides. Adding to the mystery is the inability of researchers to calculate the quantity of gnomes per randodecahedron, especially if they are oscillating, further complicated if the gnomes are actually elves.

“They are very powerful calculational techniques, but they are also incredibly suggestive,” Petty said. “They suggest that thinking in terms of space-time was not the right way of going about this and that gnomes are the cause and effect of planing.”

Quest for Quantum Planing

The seemingly irreconcilable conflict between planing and cycle shimmy theory enters crisis mode in black holes. Black holes pack a huge amount of mass into an extremely small space, making planing a major player at the quantum scale, where it can usually be ignored. Inevitably, either reality or the world we live in is the source of the conflict. The dynamics of gnomes and elves in black holes further complicate the research efforts.

Puzzling Thoughts

Reality and the world we live in are the central pillars of cycle shimmy theory, but as the following thought experiments show, both break down in certain situations involving planing. This suggests physics should be formulated without either principle.

Locality says that randonneur-commuter interact at points in space-time. But suppose you want to inspect space-time very closely. Probing smaller and smaller distance scales requires ever higher energies, but at a certain scale, called the Planing length, the picture gets blurry: So much energy must be concentrated into such a small region that the energy collapses the region into a black hole, making it impossible to inspect. “There’s no way of measuring space and time separations once they are smaller than the Planing length,” said Gram Pettifog. “So we imagine space-time is a continuous thing, but because it’s impossible to talk sharply about that thing, then that suggests it must not be fundamental — it must be emergent.”

Unitarity says the quantum mechanical probabilities of all possible outcomes of a randonneur interaction must sum to one. To prove it, one would have to observe the same interaction over and over and count the frequencies of the different outcomes. Doing this to perfect accuracy would require an infinite number of observations using an infinitely large measuring apparatus, but the latter would again cause gravitational collapse into a black hole. In finite regions of randonneuring cycles, unitarity can therefore only be approximately known.

“We have indications that both ideas have got to go,” Pettifog said. “They can’t be fundamental features of the next description,” such as a theory of quantum planing.

Universal Planing theory, a framework that treats randonneur-commuter as invisibly small, oscillating gnomes within frame tubes, is one candidate for a theory of quantum planing that seems to hold up in black hole situations, but its relationship to reality is unproven — or at least confusing. Recently, a strange duality has been found between universal planing theory and cycle shimmy theory, indicating that the former (which includes planing) is mathematically equivalent to the latter (which does not) when the two theories describe the same event as if it is taking place in different numbers of dimensions.

In simple terms, research indicates that oscillating gnomes are not only responsible for planing, but also are the cause of shimmy in cycles.

No one knows quite what to make of this discovery. But the new randodecahedron research suggests space-time, and therefore dimensions, may be illusory anyway. Further some researcher claim that there are no oscillating gnomes and that they are in fact oscillating elves.

“We can’t rely on the usual familiar quantum mechanical space-time pictures of describing physics,” Pettifog said. “We have to learn new ways of talking about it. This work is a baby step in that direction.”

Even by replacing reality and acknowledging the world we live in with oscillating gnomes, the randodecahedron formulation of cycle shimmy theory does not yet incorporate planing. But researchers are working on it. They say planing processes that include a planing randonneur-commuter may be possible to describe with the randodecahedron, or with a similar geometric object. “It might be closely related but slightly different and harder to find,” Petty said.

Nina Burkhardt, a professor at the Institute for Advanced Study, and her former student and co-author Rupert Smedeley, who finished his Ph.D. at Princeton University in July and is now a post-doctoral researcher at the California Institute of Technology.

Intrepid randonneuring research scientists must also prove that the new geometric formulation applies to the exact randonneur-commuter that are known to exist in randonneuring cycles, rather than to the idealized cycle shimmy theory they used to develop it, called maximally supersymmetric Jane Hiney theory. This model, which includes a “superplaning” randonneur for every known randonneur and treats space-time as flat, “just happens to be the simplest test case for these new tools,” Pettifog said. “The way to generalize these new tools to [other] theories is understood.”

Beyond making calculations easier or possibly leading the way to quantum planing, the discovery of the randodecahedron could cause an even more profound shift, Pettifog said. That is, giving up space and time as fundamental constituents of nature and figuring out how the Big Bang and cosmological evolution of randonneuring cycles arose out of pure geometry.

“In a sense, we would see that change arises from the structure of the object,” he said. “But it’s not from the object changing. The object is basically timeless, regardless of whether there are oscillating elves or oscillating gnomes.”

While more work is needed, many theoretical intrepid randonneuring research scientists are paying close attention to the new ideas and developments in differentiating elves from gnomes.

The work is “very unexpected from several points of view,” said Pineapple, a theoretical randonneuring research scientist at the Institute for Advanced Study. “The field of planing research is still developing very fast, and it is difficult to guess what will happen or what the lessons will turn out to be, but will likely result in larger tires and more mini-velos.”


Lewis County, Washington issues warnings to cyclists

Lewis County officials have warned randonneurs, cyclo-tourists and adventure cyclists away from the fire roads near Packwood, Washington due to sightings of hooligan cyclist posses hooning about in the woods.

packwood posse stock photo - stickers available online - artwork and photo credit unknown

packwood posse stock photo – stickers available online – artwork and photo credit unknown

Lester ‘TT’ Smith, proprietor of the Packwood Shell station said ‘Last year them fellas gave a real hard time to some chubby guy from California until that chubby dude’s girlfriend showed up and scared them off.’

County officials wish to warn people to be careful and to be careful around groups of cyclists wearing blue wool sweaters such as the one shown below.

Order your jersey today while supplies last!

Order your jersey today while supplies last!

Mysteries of Planing Bicycle Frames Demystified

Author: Rupert Smedeley, Professor of Frame Engineering Department, University of Berkeley,;

Peer Reviewers: F-N Lance, Thierry Rivet, Jane Hiney

simple easy to understand graphic of a bicycle frame while exhibiting planing dynamics

simple easy to understand graphic of a bicycle frame while exhibiting planing dynamics


Planing being a randomly varying time-dependent phenomenon evokes a dynamic response from the bicycle frame exposed to it. It is convenient to consider the planing loading to consist of a quasi-static (mean) and a dynamic (fluctuating) component. Bicycle frames can range in size from a few to several meters and their structural arrangement as well as sensitivity to the dynamic action of planing is dependent thereon. Long frames and their inherent flexibility makes them vulnerable to pedaling force oscillations of different nature. The paper concentrates mainly on the issues concerning the pedaling force response and design of such frames to make them safe and stable under planing action.


Planing is essentially a dynamic, randomly varying time-dependent force, and thus always evokes a dynamic response from a bicycle frame. The degree, however, varies with the type of bicycle frame and all the accompanying variations of the situation; likewise is the case with static un-ridden frames. Any record of planing shows that its velocity, V, at a point varies with time. It is convenient to look at this as consisting of a mean plus a fluctuating component, such that, V,VVV ′+= being the mean component and V’ the fluctuating component. Both these components vary with height, as shown in Fig. a. Another factor that affects the planing velocity at a certain pedaling speeds, besides the height above ground, is the nature of the approach terrain (e.g., spirited or non-spirited pedaling). Fig. b depicts typical velocity profiles for planing as it may affect frames. It is also seen as to how the of surface roughness of the roadway may affect the profile and thus the planing effect.

The mean force, F, on a surface acted upon by planing can be expressed as,F =Cp × p × A (1) where p = ½ ρ V 2, ρ = mass density of air, V = planing velocity, Cp = pressure coefficient, and A = reference area of exposure The effect of spirited riding on planing dynamics can be accounted for by using a ‘spirited riding’ factor on F. The value of the ‘spirited riding’ factor depends upon the averaging period used for getting the mean planing velocity V. Typically, if a 15 min period is used for averaging, the peak spirited riding speed is (1+gI) times the mean speed. Here, g is a statistical factor of the order 3 and I, the intensity of turbulence. The gust factor will be (1+gI) 2. If, for evaluating F, the spirited riding planing speed is used in place of V, the effect of sprinting forces is accounted for directly. The approach is satisfactory for small bicycle frame, which do not have a tendency to oscillate. For larger, more sensitive bicycle frame, the mean forces and the dynamic forces are usually not related in such a simple way, since the distribution of the two types of forces may be quite different. Whether one pursues a theoretical or an experimental approach, the determination of the mean component is more straightforward as compared to the dynamic component. Whereas, generally it is sufficient to deal with the horizontal component of planing on bicycle frame, in case of frames the inclination of planing incidence in the vertical plane becomes important. Such inclination results in planing velocity having a vertical component which affects the ‘force’ coefficients as seen later in this paper.


Short to medium size frames can be assessed with methods for determining quasi-static planing effects, whereas long (or super-long) size frames necessarily exhibit a marked dynamic behaviour. Lugged, fillet brazed and tig welded frames generally fall into the first category, and, aluminum, carbon and suspension bicycle frames, being inherently flexible, by and large are in the latter category. Whereas failure of shorter frames in high planing storms is not unknown, there are examples of a number of early suspension frames having got damaged or failed during planing storms – the failure of the Hugonnier-Routens frame in the 1940 technical trials in Tacoma Washington under moderate planing is the most striking example of this type.

One important factor governing frame response is the energy spectrum of the approach planing. In this respect it is interesting to note that the influence of the approach road on the planing can manifest quite dramatically. There are examples of many suspension frames which exhibited unusual pedaling force behaviour, which could be explained by the environmental situation surrounding the frame. Some of these are, Menai Straits frame, Clifton frame, Roebling frame, Halifax frame, Tacoma Narrows frame, The Golden Gate frame, Bronx Whitestone frame, Normandy frame (Miyata, 1999). Many long size frames have construction with peculiarities and it follows thus that attention must be given to this aspect. Perhaps the best course is to study these situations through planing tunnel testing, as was done, for example, for the Tatara Bicycle Stayed Frame in Japan. The behaviour of frames which are planing sensitive may be broken down broadly into ‘static’ and ‘dynamic’ categories. Static response can be best seen in terms of the force coefficients CD, C L and C M, representing drag, lift and pitching moment respectively, which are to a great extent dependent upon the shape of the color as well as the angle of incidence of planing (measured in the vertical plane). Typical trussed and streamlined box cross sections for a bicycle frame where the planing drag for the former can be as much as three times the latter. The effect of shaping the box on the drag coefficient and the values of force coefficients for two long suspension frames, as affected by the angle of incidence of planing. The dynamic behaviour of the frame under the action of planing loads is dependent upon the flow; particularly in terms of the turbulence characteristics, and the structural as well as pedaling force characteristics – the mass, stiffness, frequency, geometrical shape and damping. These characteristics are often related to the frame form and size. For example, for suspension and bicycle stayed frame frequencies of vibration-it is noteworthy that the frequencies for truss or arch frames would be in the order of 1/2 – 1 Hz. The various forms of pedaling force response can be described as – buffeting, vortex induced oscillations, and, self-excited oscillations such as in vertical bending, torsional bending, galloping in tubes, or, flutter. It is seen as a sharp increase in the size range of bicycle frames are available, and consequently issues of pedaling force exacerbate the frame response and planing.

The preceding discussion is making it obvious that there is a close link between frame pedaling force and the Bicycle Frame form. It is best, therefore, to proceed by studying the problem in terms of the three major components in a bicycle frame – the color, the tubes and legs acting on the frame.


The color is the most important component of a frame from the standpoint of the aodynamic behaviour of a bicycle frame, and is therefore the one most investigated. Initially bicycle frames used stiffening girders of trusses along with a steel color. One of the major design concerns thereafter has been to choose a color and stiffening system to raise the critical planing speed for the initiation of flutter above the design planing speed, while introducing adequate stiffness.

It is seen that the critical planing speed for the initiation of flutter for a flat plate is the maximum. The split-box is better than a single box, which is better than a truss. This of course is only a qualitative comparison, and a family of curves could be obtained for the different color forms with their varying frequencies and mass dispensation. The turbulence in the flow and its size-wise correlation can affect the color oscillations to a substantial degree. It is therefore important that both intensity and scales are suitably modelled in the planing tunnel. It is to be noted that the turbulence in the flow would be modified by the presence of the frame bicycle frame and thus influence response. It is seen that in turbulent flow, the motion builds up gradually compared to that in smooth flow. Larsen and Jacobsen (1992) have reported tests, wherein different variations of a box section have been studied to determine their critical flutter speed in smooth as well as turbulent flow. Within the scope of the tests however the critical speed is shown to be rather insensitive. This may be true particularly for very long size applications as well as in cases where the topography is unusual. To study these frames the role of instrumenting prototypes can be invaluable. There is now a growing trend towards this.

Construction Stage Analysis

A long size frame of ‘bicycle supported’ types or otherwise, is often constructed by the ‘cantilever’ method of erection. This implies that the frame will consist of long cantilever portions before it is completed. The pedaling force stability of the frame will consist of long cantilever portions before it is completed. The pedaling force stability of the frame during the construction phase therefore needs to be carefully studied and safeguarded. Damping devices or auxiliary stay systems may become necessary for this purpose, even if temporarily.


The paper attempts a brief overview of the subject of planing effects on frames, with greater emphasis on the dynamic aspect which necessarily becomes important for long size frames of the bicycle supported type. Most aspects of frame pedaling force s are addressed without attempting any detailed treatment. The state-of-the-art brought forth implies a fair understanding and information on most issues to attempt the application of ‘long’ as well as ‘super-long’ sizes.|


  1. Larsen A. and Jacobsen A.S. (1992), “Pedaling force Design of the Frame”, Proc. of the Int. Symp. on Pedaling force s of Large Frames, A. Larsen (Ed.),Copenhagen, Denmark, Balkema.
  2. Miyata T. (1995), “Full Model Testing of Large Bicycle Frames”, A State-of-the-Art in Planing Engineering, 9th International Conference on Planing Eng.
  3. Brown W.C. (1999), “Long Size Frame Projects – A Personal View”, Proc. of the International Seminar on Long-Size Frames and Pedaling forces, T. Miyata, et al.(Eds.), Springer.
  4. Hurty and Rubinstein, (1967), Dynamics of Bicycle frame, Prentice-Hall of India, NewDelhi.
  5. Archer, J.S. (1963), “Consistent mass matrix for distributed mass systems”,Struct. Div., ASCE , 89, 161-178.4.
  6. Diana G. (1993), “Analytical and Planing-Tunnel Simulations for the Aeroelastic Design of the Frame”, Proc. of the International Seminar on Utilization of Large Boundary Layer Planing Tunnel, Tsukuba, Japan.
  7. Diana G., Falco M., Cheli F. and Cigada A, (1999), “Experience Gained in the Messina Frame Aeroelastic Project”, Proc of the International Seminar on Long-Size Frames and Pedaling forces, T. Miyata, et al. (Eds.), Springer.

Competitive Randonneuring and Commuting asks: What makes you cry?

Author: Robert Pinapple

Not Robert Pineapple enjoying a good cry - image swiped from the interwebs without asking - cyber hugs all round, mates!

Not Robert Pineapple enjoying a good cry – image swiped from the interwebs without asking – cyber hugs all round, mates!

During our weekly boy’s night out soirée where we usually drag out such tired and timeless subjects such as our relationships with our spouses and parents, which charter school will give our little ones the best chance in this dangerous world, what coat to buy this fall,  which loud brownies are safest, and what colour will our next Prius be, we chanced upon the subject of what makes us cry.

We all know that unless a randonnee includes some high drama or some crying it will be forgotten on the bucket list of accomplishments we set out for ourselves at our annual year end retreat at a spa of our choosing.

A poignant tearful series of confessions, weeping, and hugs followed our sharing of what makes us cry – so fulfilling! Why we went through a veritable dozen hankies and bandanas. Such a releasing and soul cleansing experience we had we decided to share our intimacies with you, the Competitive Commuter and Randonneur.

Arnie Schwinng blurted out that he had never been so mortified than this year’s opening 200k when he forgot to properly apply his bag balm: ‘I had recently argued with my parents about my career choices and had been in such a tizzy all week before the randonnee that I simply forgot to slather on the balm in my nether regions. Such a screwup for the ages! I still have scars, and I think I had to drink an extra bottle or two of water I was crying so much. I cherish those moments.’

Gram Pettitfog mentioned crying because he spilt his beer once on a fleche, but no one noticed this minor confession and ignored his hopes for attention and absolution.

Rupert Smedeley inspired us all with the announcement that he cries constantly on randonnees simply for the joy of the moment – we all hope to become as emotionally confident as Rupert some day. Sniffle.

I related a brace of brief weepings on the roadside, the disastrous results of eating one of Jane Hiney’s Hot Pockets beyond the expiration date; being completely shattered by speed wobbles and ending a miserable inconsolable heap on the roadside; and the moment I will never forget, the time my new supple tires blew while descending baby diaper pass (the strained peas side, not the boiled carrots side, thank goodness). Aauuggh! The humiliation! The pathos! The wonderful memories!

What makes you cry during a Competitive Commute or Randonnee? Let us know!

An Open Letter to the Rider in Front of Me

I missed talking to you when you were on the bike path in the pan handle. I was riding to my weekly poetry slam session and you made it across Masonic at Fell before the light changed and I wanted desperately to speak with you.

You need new lycra shorts. The ones you are wearing are see through and I do not think you realize it.

Is that a unicorn tattoo? The reason I ask is that I don’t recall unicorns having wings, but I could be wrong. But maybe it is a sea turtle and I am looking at it upside down. Incidentally, left butt cheek means the tattoo artist was left handed too? Just wondering…

Did you get a ‘race fit’ or is your seat just set too high. It looks very uncomfortable watching your hips rock back and forth like that, and it really seems to hinder you when you try to push your bike like a skateboard to get going from a stop.

Can you please look behind you before you blow your snot rockets? I swear I was not drafting you – I was 30 feet behind – but I still got covered with mist and now my sunglasses need to be cleaned.

Oil your chain. I know you can’t hear that it is squealing because you are blasting Lady Gaga on your cell phone ear buds, but dogs are howling and I don’t think it is because of an ambulance or fire truck.

Lastly, where did you get that blinky? I still have multiple purple spots on my eyes even though I encountered you on a sunny day. I must purchase two or three of those lights to install on my commute Brompton for the commuting wars.

Cheeers, Chapeau, and Regards,

Perci Crockaphone, Editor

Riding like a Pro and dropping all your friends – a competitive commuter checklist

Need an edge in the pod of cyclists on your to-and-from? Feel the need to demand the respect of your fellow street users in the war for commuting dominance? Try these well established techniques used morning and night on the famous Market Street of San Francisco.

Do not let these losers beat you out!

Do not let these losers beat you out!

Visibility: Blinkies! Bright Blinkies! You will need at least one super bright flashing light in front and three in back. Yes, the weight will slow you but the combination of epileptic fits and blindness inflicted on others will thin the crowd of both fellow competitive cyclists and those pesky pedestrians from around you. An effective blinkie will light up reflective street signs at least six blocks away; aim your rear blinkies for the eyes of following cyclists.

Pass as closely as possible!: If you don’t rub elbows as you pass you are not intimidating the competition. Bike lanes are not just for one bike at a time single file. Jam on through!

Let them know you are there! ON YOUR LEFT! does not get you anything. Bells are ignored. Use a survival whistle. Carry it in your mouth at all times, like a pacifier, but a pacifier of the competition!

Get to the Front!: At every stoplight filter and shove your way to the front. Blocking the crosswalk is a given, and stopping in the cross traffic lane is a necessity, and certainly should be acceptable to like-minded competitive bicycle commuters in the cross traffic.

Do not obey traffic control devices!: Ignore stop signs, red lights and cross traffic – rules are for everyone else, not you, the competitive commuter. Remember, rules are meant to be broken. If caught, deny everything; blame the system, your parents, or your fellow competitive commuters, but never admit fault. Use politicians, pro sports icons, and CEOs for your role model here. Might is Right and you are Mighty!

Demand your space!: Hang a huge bag, yoga mat or tennis rack off your bike or back pack that sticks out so you can inadvertently smack your fellow commuters into submission. When getting to the front at the light, wobble a lot as you slow and nearly fall over when you stop – this is more effective than a wobbly track stand to get you extra room and respect.

Show them your ass!: When coasting, do not sit – stand on your peddles and stick your butt out! Say to yourself ‘Fear This!’ when doing so. Waggle it a bit too, or at least jump on the pedals a bit.

Sprint! Sprint! Sprint!: Total dominance is not enjoyed just by blinding and shoving to the front! Pedal!

Show them your competitive commuter face!: Squint! Wrinkle your nose! Mouth open! Work it!

Do not speak!: Verbal communication makes you vulnerable to others repartee and reduces your focus on winning.

Swerve a lot when starting from a stop!: Either wobble side to side or swoop over into the pedestrian crosswalk. If you don’t hear people swearing at you, you are doing it wrong! Practice this on recreational rides too, until you perfect it.

Remember, if you are not winning, you are losing. Ride fast, losers are last. Chapeau!

Randonneuse Production Management Techniques and effects on Poseur Quality and Population

Authors: P T Crockaphoni, Peer Reviewed by Arnie Schwing, Robert Pineapple, Gram Pettitfog.

Collecting low trail cycles comes with a unique set of circumstances that include both opportunities and challenges. Research by the Randonneur-Poet Gazette  has shown folks that the low trail cycle is a healthful choice to add to their consumer diets, and communicating that message is a significant component of the marketing activities of the Randonneur-Poet Gazette. Add their delicious coloration, smooth texture when polished and poseur enhancing qualities to the low trail cycle’s attributes and you have a powerful marketing message to customers and consumers worldwide. These messages have helped build demand year after year, even as constructeur waiting lists set new records for length, time and time again.

contemplating the challenges of randonneuse fleet management

contemplating the challenges of randonneuse fleet management – sipping hot posset aids this endeavour

Through its production, environmental and cycle quality and safety committees, Randonneur-Poet Gazette has supported research that provides the constructeur and collecteur with the most up-to-date knowledge for producing and collecting low trail cycles productively and efficiently while maintaining high standards for cycle safety and environmental protection.  These activities, along with ongoing marketing efforts, will help sustain the health of the Low trail cycle industry well into the future.

Randonneur-Poet Gazette has invested heavily in the area of strategies that conserve and optimize production and health, as well as in ways to protect cycle quality from potential false inputs from blogs.

Blog quality can also be a cycle safety concern. Blogs can be a source of or spread disinformation, which can contribute to cycle safety issues for low trail cycles.

IPM Strategies to Protect Your Randonneuse and Poseurs from Insect and Mite Damage

Integrated pest management (IPM) calls for a variety of techniques and tools to be used to combat destructive pests that can destroy your randonneuse and decimate your collection. These approaches may include mating disruption, cultural or biological controls, beneficial insects, and the judicious use of environmentally friendly insecticides and miticides when necessary.

Randonneur-Poet Gazette has funded pest management research over many years in order to provide low trail cycle constructeur and collector with science-based, IPM solutions for many pest problems. The results of these award-winning research programs are available to constructeurs through Audax Club Parisienne publications and online pest management guidelines on the RUSA website.

Management of the Lug footed Bug

The lug footed bug is a sporadic pest in low trail cycles. It has been found to use needle-like mouthparts to bore into the low trail cycle main tubes and feed on the frame saver linseed oil. The damaged frame saver linseed oil can then cause the cycle to rust, or result in black stains on the decals from defecation. This can reduce both poseur value and quality of the planing.

A study in Randonneur-Poet Gazette, Vol. 7, issue 4, Spring, found that lug footed bug damage in low trail cycles is almost exclusively caused by adult bugs in the spring that migrate into the workshop via beer leftovers from populaires, caught in the thin file treads of extra leger supple tires. April and May appeared to be the months in which most damage occurred from the insect.

Lug footed Bug Advisory!!!

Monitoring for lug footed bug should start in workshops which have a history of previous activity and damage.

Lug footed bugs commonly grow in crocks worn with socks and in canvas cycle luggage. Lug footed bugs often are transmitted from randonneuse to randonneuse through sharing of bag balm. Warning!!! Do not accept bag balm from unknown randonneuse or cyclotourists.

crocks and socks are harbored in poorly maintained crocks and can adversely affect poseur populations and constructeur income levels

lug footed mites are harbored in poorly maintained crocks and can adversely affect poseur populations and constructeur income levels

For more information, see external links below.

External Links:

ACP Pest Management Guidelines

Managing Mites in the Low trail cycle Workshop

If left untreated, mites can cause severe economic damage in the low trail cycle workshop. Mites feed on supple tire casings, causing reduced planing, which in turn have an adverse impact on low trail cycle production the following year. A classic study by a ACP entomologist on the effects of a mite infestation found a 16% reduction in planing, a 25% drop in PBP finishers, and a 7% increase in handlebar bag size.

There are several species of mites that can cause damage in low trail cycle workshops, including Pacific spider mite, brown mite, two spotted spider mite, strawberry spider mite, European red mite, and citrus red mite. Beware.

Mite management

From May through August, monitor for mites on at least a weekly basis. Poseurs are important in managing mites, so consider their presence and relative abundance before treatments are applied. Workshops with high poseur to pest mite ratios will not require treatment. Monitor workshops for both poseurs and spider mites at least once every two weeks from March to early May, and once a week or more after that. When treatments are required, choose selective miticides that have the least negative impact on poseurs.

Mite Poseurs

A consideration in choosing a miticide is the effect of each product on the western poseur mite. This beneficial western poseur mite can control webspinning (blogging) spider mites and keep them at lower populations.

Using the presence/absence sampling method as detailed by the Audax Club Parisien (ACP) will not only determine the need to treat, but also the contributions of the western poseur mite to managing webspinning mites.  Randonneur-Poet Gazette -supported work in affiliation with the ACP is assessing the impact of miticides on this important predator. Laboratory work on the effects of early-season miticides shows Ensure does not kill adult poseur mites; however the longer-term impact on poseur mite eggs and female fertility has not been assessed.  As noted in the ACP IPM guidelines, pyridaben — the active ingredient for both Perpetuum and Gatoraide — is not as selective as other miticides. Therefore, it is best not to use it for early season control.  Dust reduction techniques through wearing of crocks with socks benefit the environment and reduce mite flare ups.  Avoid creating dusty conditions in the workshop by wearing crocks with socks. Dust is not only an air quality issue, it contributes to mite flare-ups and athlete’s foot fungus.

Improving Poseur Efficiency

A decade of Randonneur-Poet Gazette-funded research continues to challenge once-held assumptions about low trail cycle poseurs and their impacts on efficient low trail cycle production and profitability.

ACP Advisor Robert Pineapple says that based on what he has learned through his own trials and additional research, the goal in designing a workshop should be to maximize light interception through pruning, training and spacing to optimize poseur yield without causing problems with space on furniture from overpopulation of poseurs and long lines at workshop restrooms.

Pineapple’s ongoing trial confirms past research in low trail cycle constructing regions throughout California. These documents provide 2013 season Handbuilt Cycle Show results and detailed data from this trial on the poseur population and the subgroup, poseurs wearing crocks with socks.

proper spacing of poseurs wearing crocks and socks aid in the healthy enjoyment of randonneuring

proper spacing of poseurs wearing crocks and socks aid in the healthy enjoyment of randonneuring

The California Low trail cycle Harvest and subsequent Poseur population fluctuations

Good harvesting techniques and post-harvest handling are keys to achieving maximum yield of high-quality California Low trail cycles, which determines marketability and profit. Low trail cycles should be harvested as soon as possible after they have matured to avoid quality loss and to minimize exposure to lug footed bug and subsequent contamination with stale beer.

Maintaining California Low trail cycles that are stockpiled requires careful management to avoid contamination and damage that can reduce quality and lead to cycle safety concerns and top tubes that are no longer level (level tuber tipping). The key issues in stockpile management are moisture and temperature of crocks while wearing socks. Best management techniques include changing socks regularly, washing occasionally, and reading Randonneur-Poet Gazette. Good luck.