Category Archives: poetry

₤5000 Reward for the Identification of this Hooligan

Last week’s Quarterly Bicycle Un Meeting/ Un Ride Audax sponsored by Competitive Randonneuring and Commuting was completely ruined by an hooligan cyclist of unknown provenance but certainly of known character that intruded on our important and historic ramble in the countryside.

Clarissa Peattebogg relates the incident:

Myself, Rupert, Gramm, Lance and various hangers-on were riding in a tight group, perhaps using the entire road, discussing in depth our next product release for CRC. We were enjoying an intense debate of whether our next product rollout should be our revolutionary chain stay mounted derailer or our wingnut quick release assembly to complement our line of supple items and other wondrous things.

Well, I am almost certain that we were interrupted in our important debate that will shape cycling and google groups discussions and fashions for decades at least five or six times by some impertinent individual.

Then this unknown person passed our peloton and exposed their posterior! I was so shocked I swooned into  Rupert and caused a total pileup of our group. Luckily no one realized they were hurt immediately and Gramm was able to find an image of the perpetrator on his gopro. The damages and hospital bills have run up to well over ₤4500 and we have yet to start our group therapy sessions. If only we were able to identify the cause of our woes we could begin to recoup our losses and begin to rebuild our lives and product lines. Please help.


₤5000 reward! (payable in crc stock options)




De-mystifying that earlier post on bicycle frame planing dynamics

Author: Clarissa Peatebogg

My partner Rupert, as usual, has botched things up royally in his attempt to adapt his drawing room polemics concerning his pet theory, bicycle flexural characteristics (planing), into a simple, easy to read and accepted description. Dear Rupee, please read this version of your fantastic theories and please adopt this variation so people might stop napping during your diatribes.

Love, Clarissa. ❤

Bicycle planing theory describes how pedalling dynamics propagate torque waves through frame components and spirited pedalling dynamics in a serendipitous interaction with each other. On pedalling dynamic scales larger than the planing theory scale, a planing bicycle looks just like an ordinary bicycle, with its frame, pedalling forces, and other properties determined by the vibrational state of the bicycle frame. In bicycle planing theory, one of the many vibrational states of the frame corresponds to the pedalling spirit, a form of hill repeats that carries incredible flexural force. Thus bicycle planing theory is a theory of spirited randonneuring.

Bicycle planing theory is a broad and varied subject that attempts to address a number of deep questions of fundamental physics, and acceptable randonneuring practices. Bicycle planing theory has been applied to a variety of problems in bicycle physics, early constructeur cycles tubing selections, frame tube heat treating techniques, and q-factor adjustment, and it has stimulated a number of major developments in the pure randonneuring movement. Because bicycle planing theory potentially provides a unified description of pedalling and bicycle frame physics, it is a candidate for a theory of everything, a self-contained randonneuring model that describes all fundamental forces and forms of marketable bicycle components, and is especially suited to marketing of supple tires, center pull brakes, and chrome plated bicycle frames. Despite much work on these problems, it is not known to what extent bicycle planing theory describes the real world or how much freedom the theory allows to the lay randonneur, randonneure, or every day cyclist to choose frame tubing, supple tires or pedalling cadence speed.

Bicycle planing theory was first studied in the late 2000’s as a theory of the strong pedalling force (aka, spirited riding), before being abandoned in favor of thin frame tubes and supple tire use. Subsequently, it was realized that the very properties that made bicycle planing theory unsuitable as a theory of bicycle frame flexural dynamics made it a promising candidate for proving the marketability of supple tires based on rolling resistance rather than acceleration dynamics – a form of ‘looky over there’ marketing of armchair science. The earliest version of bicycle planing theory, Barra’s bicycle flex recordation, incorporated only a single class of aluminum bicycle frames tested in a static environment sans pedalling forces. It later developed into bicycle planing, which posits a connection with spirited pedalling between hills and the accepted use of small diameter bicycle frame top tubes. Five consistent versions of bicycle planing theory were developed and tested in double blind hill repeat tests before it was conjectured in the mid-2010’s that there were different limiting factors of a single theory in eleven dimensions known as Super-Plane Theory. In late 2017, theorists discovered an important relationship called the expose theory which relates bicycle planing theory to another type of theory called the mini-velo theory. That basically, the rubes reading stuff in print will buy anything if you claim it to have mysterious properties, such as planing, suppleness, or modulation.

One of the challenges of bicycle planing theory is that the full theory does not yet have a satisfactory definition in all circumstances. Another issue is that the theory is thought to describe an enormous ‘big tent’ of possible bicycle frames, pedalling dynamics and sizes of supple tires, and this has complicated efforts to develop theories of flexural and planing physics based on simple bicycle planing theory and has also led to a glut of supple tires in the bicycle marketplace.

These issues have led some in the community to criticize these approaches to riding bicycles and question the value of continued research on bicycle planing theory unification because of increased commercialization and the mania for supple tires and mini-velos.

An Open Letter to the Rider in Front of Me

I missed talking to you when you were on the bike path in the pan handle. I was riding to my weekly poetry slam session and you made it across Masonic at Fell before the light changed and I wanted desperately to speak with you.

You need new lycra shorts. The ones you are wearing are see through and I do not think you realize it.

Is that a unicorn tattoo? The reason I ask is that I don’t recall unicorns having wings, but I could be wrong. But maybe it is a sea turtle and I am looking at it upside down. Incidentally, left butt cheek means the tattoo artist was left handed too? Just wondering…

Did you get a ‘race fit’ or is your seat just set too high. It looks very uncomfortable watching your hips rock back and forth like that, and it really seems to hinder you when you try to push your bike like a skateboard to get going from a stop.

Can you please look behind you before you blow your snot rockets? I swear I was not drafting you – I was 30 feet behind – but I still got covered with mist and now my sunglasses need to be cleaned.

Oil your chain. I know you can’t hear that it is squealing because you are blasting Lady Gaga on your cell phone ear buds, but dogs are howling and I don’t think it is because of an ambulance or fire truck.

Lastly, where did you get that blinky? I still have multiple purple spots on my eyes even though I encountered you on a sunny day. I must purchase two or three of those lights to install on my commute Brompton for the commuting wars.

Cheeers, Chapeau, and Regards,

Perci Crockaphone, Editor

I belong on the Road

If you think “the wild road” is a place you must cycle to see,
Interrupt the texting, interrupt the surfing,
Put arms through wool,
and tell me again:
I belong on the Road

If you think the raccoon above your tent,
will disappear into the night,
does it have rabies, I am sure it has rabies,
Then sit and wait, the raccoon will come and eat your chips,
does it have rabies, don’t raccoons have rabies,
Find yourself without lights, and then try to tell me again:
I belong on the Road

If you think going cycle camping will undo a long life of slow driving,
Then go ahead and go cycle camping.
Try to pack.
Try to pack in the tent, try not to forget the coffee
Try to not forget and then try
Tell me which pannier it is in again:
I belong on the Road

If you think the howling sirens that scream in the streets
Will keep you from tasting the hiker/biker camaraderie
That forever awaits on the distant photo-op
I belong on the Road

Bummer Moments: a 600k poem

Let’s get out of the Rain

Lets get out of the Rain

Lets get out of the Rain

So I managed to make myself cold,
Just like I wanted to.
So I managed to bonk so hard.
I thought that wearing high vis colors
Would make me good,
Bring out my eyes,
I thought virtue could be mine.
We already know that there’s no wallet (forgotten)
To buy the things we need to live,
So we must open our mouths to beg,
And close our eyes, and tilt back our heads
And lift up our arms.

Travelling north to Anderson Valley nights
Was how I planned on getting pure
And frozen grass, soft and shining star lights.
I stood, and yes, I managed
To wash my face there in the safeway,
Clean the crud from my eyes
And gasp and see dawn.
The first rays of light coming over the hill to Cloverdale..

Let’s get out of the rain.
Let’s get out of the rain.
But still I had my hopes
Of how picturesque I would be in wool
Watching the sunrise, so the sun surprised.
It was on the other side. I napped,
I turned and re-opened my eyes

Under the bush, under the stars

Let’s get out of the rain.
The sweetness in the world looks so soft in the mist.
Let’s get out of the rain.
The sweetness in the world looks so soft in the fog.
Let’s get out of the rain.
There’s only one way to finish.
Let’s get out of the rain.
Say “Bon Route” and “Adieu”
Let’s get out of the rain.