Monthly Archives: February 2016

Σοφία reflects on the men in her life

The gallery of men-

#1  Διοκλης

Father provided essential material needs to mother and me. He helped me obtain my first bicycle and for that reason I will be indebted to him forever. While we never lacked food or shelter father was often distant and didn’t express love easily. He lived by the strict moral code of the times. That’s just how it was in those days.

#2 Μπαμπούλας

The bogeyman—real or imagined?

#3 Ἀρίσταρχος of Samos

My sixth grade math teacher left me traumatized. I hated him. It was the beginning of the dark days of middle school. It took me many years to overcome my fear of mathematics but eventually I mastered the Pythagorean theorem and Euclidean Geometry. On the bright side, it was during this time that I first started taking solo exploratory bike rides in the countryside (despite protests from mother).

#4 Τρωΐλος of Elis

Uncle Τρωΐλος raced successfully on the road and on the track. After a failed attempt at making the Olympics he retired from racing to raise his family. Yet he remained a lifelong cyclist and was the only one to really encourage me to pursue my passion for cycling.

#5 Στέφανος of Aeolia

What can I say—I was young, naive and confused—and I was completely infatuated with Στέφανος. At first I was impressed by his apparent worldliness and creativity. It’s true I should have known better. Call me a fag hag, fruit fly, fairy godmother, queen bee, fruit loop, flame dame, fairy princess—whatever. On the plus side he was sensitive and compassionate and listened to me the way most men don’t. We had some fun times and I benefited from his provocative thoughts about the creative process. Secretly I resented that fact that he was a trust-funder; how could I respect him if he wouldn’t make something of his life? He wasn’t even a cyclist. Most of all I resented his hangups about his sexuality. Why couldn’t he just fully accept himself for being gay? After going unfulfilled for so long I finally moved on. But not before meeting one of his other fag hag friends. In a strange twist of fate she and I, two fag hags, consummated a passionate romantic affair in a world capital of fine art and architecture despite Στέφανος. Talk about a crazy love triangle—but that’s a story for another time.

#6 Νίκανδρος of Aeolia

Νίκανδρος was the father of Στέφανος. He was everything that Στέφανος would never be:  generous, charismatic, a brilliant artist, a polyglot, successful in business and a self-made man. Even at an advanced age he was still active, creative and enjoyed learning. He was widowed and happily remarried. I really admired him.

#7 Αρσενιος of Athens

Best sex ever! And just what I needed when the love triangle finally imploded. He was the embodiment of a Greek god. He was a bike messenger from Athens. His crazy good riding skills served him well during cyclocross season. Sure he took advantage of me when I was on the rebound. I never really understood what he saw in me but it was fun while it lasted.

#8 Περικλῆς of Thespiae

Περικλῆς knew about ancient bike history and lore; he built a few frames; and he possessed a respectable list of cycling palmarès. While I was attracted by all of this it was his wit and way with words that hooked me. Unfortunately after only a few dates I realized he was full of himself. I couldn’t tolerate his arrogance, self indulgence and narcissism. I dumped him and broke his heart. Poor guy, that’s why he looks so bummed.

#9  Ἀντίγονος of Thessaloniki

Wow, it’s been over 15 years now since we’ve been together. He’s the love of my life. He’s not the most successful, not the most athletic and not the most creative. So what if he’s just a utility cyclist—at least he rides. While Ἀντίγονος is not perfect he gives me what I need most of all, which is my freedom. He’s secure enough with himself to allow me my adventures. And he’s always there for me when I come back home. I love him for who he is and for loving me and accepting me as I am. Happy Valentine’s Day honey!

Love, Σοφία

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Disturbing events reported at the Gualala Hiker-Biker

Cyclotourists who wish to remain anonymous have reported invasions of privacy and just plain rude behaviour at the Hiker-Biker accommodations at the Gualala Sonoma County Camp Ground. Here is their story:

We had just finished a long day riding from Cloverdale via Fish Rock and pulled into the hiker biker site in the camp ground and was immediately accosted by this chubby bald guy. It was totally freaky because he just started poking at our bikes and mumbling to himself about q-factors and lug shorelines even though our bikes are tig welded. He never looked at us and when the ranger showed up he wandered off and we moved to a regular campsite hoping to get away from him. Creepy.

Later, we were relaxing at our table sipping herbal tea and we saw this strange guy again but standing at our camp fire. Somehow he had gotten my copy of BQ out of our tent and was burning the pictures of Jan Heine from the magazine! He was having a grand old time jumping around and laughing and saying things like ‘Lookit Jan plane!’ and ‘Woo! This supple tire goes ‘pop’ in the fire!’. He said ‘Pop!’ a lot.

disturbing

disturbing

We were paralysed with shock and were not able to do anything for quite some time (although I did instagram him and strangely got a whole bunch of likes), and then he seemed to get tired dropped the magazine on the ground and left. We picked up our copy of BQ and ascertained that any of the decent photos of Jan that were in focus were gone. At least the pictures of the mini-velo were still intact and he hadn’t touched the photos of Madeleine Provot or Jobst Brandt. Come to think of it, he may have been saying ‘Provot’ or ‘Jobst’ instead of ‘Pop’ toward the end of his rampage. We reported the incident to the camp ground Ranger and she just sighed.

‘Oh, him again. We have not been able to catch him in six years. He seems mostly harmless, and is just lonely. He is local but got kicked out from loitering at the grocery and gas stations because he would pester the cyclotourists endlessly always telling the same story over and over. His favorite is one about UFO’s and the 4th of July. I think he has a couple of blogs.’

Trump and Sanders Weigh in on PBP

Editor’s note:  Special coverage of the presidential primary elections is brought to you by our man in the Granite State, Rupert Smedley.

Republican front runner Donald Trump made off the cuff comments about PBP and randonneuring as he watched a passing NERd eagerly unseal an A4 envelope from the Audax Club Parisien.

“Wow. Paris-Brest-Paris…that’s a big ride. I think…I think it’s really great. You have to think anyway, so why not think big? And look at that medal… it’s H U U U U G E !

The NERd proudly showed off a well earned PBP medal.

huge

Asked if he still believes Paris is located in Germany, Trump offered a firm “Yes, of course it is” holding up the envelope from Audax Club Parisien as proof. “Just look at this! It’s got Deutschland and Deutsche Post written all over it!”

ACP A4 from Deutschland-4

“Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest…and you all know it!”

“You know, PBP is a lot like the presidential election. It only happens once every four years, and the best man wins.”

Hillary Clinton was unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, the Sanders camp also voiced strong opinions on PBP and randonneuring in general. Bernie favors an outright ban on the allure libre style randonneuring practiced by Audax Club Parisien and promises to pursue an official policy in support of the group riding style of the Unions des Audax instead.

Lewis County, Washington issues warnings to cyclists

Lewis County officials have warned randonneurs, cyclo-tourists and adventure cyclists away from the fire roads near Packwood, Washington due to sightings of hooligan cyclist posses hooning about in the woods.

packwood posse stock photo - stickers available online - artwork and photo credit unknown

packwood posse stock photo – stickers available online – artwork and photo credit unknown

Lester ‘TT’ Smith, proprietor of the Packwood Shell station said ‘Last year them fellas gave a real hard time to some chubby guy from California until that chubby dude’s girlfriend showed up and scared them off.’

County officials wish to warn people to be careful and to be careful around groups of cyclists wearing blue wool sweaters such as the one shown below.

Order your jersey today while supplies last!

Order your jersey today while supplies last!