Which hatchet says ‘I love you’ best?

A Competitive Randonneuring, Commuting & Romancing buyer’s guide special

Author: Keren Pineapple, Peer Reviewed: Gram Pettitfog

Forgot yet another anniversary? Too many boy’s nights out lately? Polished your randonneuse too much last week? Spilt your posset down the speaker grill of the minivan again? Never fear for nothing says I love you quite like a fine hatchet, but which hatchet will send her heart into paroxysms of desire and bliss? Read on hapless competitor, read on and set your sights on endless evenings of bliss with your lovey.

Handmade hatchets are not only gifts of love and the symbol of everlasting romance, but also beautiful fashion accessories. Whatever the occasion, a handmade hatchet is always a gift that brings joy.

I was recipient of several love gifts in the form of hatchets while enduring the courting rites of my true love. Many of the hatchets missed the mark, but still he was able to woo my heart enough that we were married through three seasons of cyclo-cross until I garnered a new sponsorship with Competitive Randonneuring and Commuting while he was overlooked and our love became slightly rusty and dull, ended in our splitting like so much cordwood and throwing our love and affection onto the bonfire of life. Sigh.

Criteria for selecting an hatchet for your loved ones:

Size: The hatchet mustn’t be too large, so as to attract undue attention while in line at the bank or queuing up at the trader joe’s checkout, nor cause consternation with the LGBT security guards at the Rainbow Grocery parking lot. You will want the hatchet to be something that she can’t put down and will always have handy.

Edge: If like me, you shave daily, a sharp hatchet is essential. A good edge aids in the chopping of vegetables as much as it enables it to stick to a wall or tree for storage. But not too good an edge as nothing is as soothing and relaxing as sharpening a fine hatchet and thinking of your loved ones.

Handle: Wood! No carbon fiber, no plastics, no cool heartless steel. Few experiences compare favorably to the euphoria of touching wood. Pure bliss!

Here are a few of the most memorable love gifts I received from Robert during our happiest moments:

My first love gift hatchet. Sigh.

My first love gift hatchet. Sigh.

Prom Night Hatchet! Who would have thought a blind date to the prom would be the ticket to true love and hatchets? I lost a bet with a cohort (who was fastest female finisher at PBP 91? I thought for sure it was Jayne Hinie, but it was Melinda Lyon) and had to go on a blind date. I was happily surprised by Robert with a love hatchet! This one I carry with me always.

What can I say? The balance! The wood! The love. This is the best hatchet I own for shaving.

What can I say? The balance! The wood! The love. This is the best hatchet I own for shaving.

First anniversary Hatchet! A bit big admittedly, but this one will be around for the ages.

Robert spent 6 months worth of his income on this love gift.

Robert spent 6 months worth of his income on this love gift.

Engagement Hatchet! No diamonds for this girl, just well a balanced hatchet for the perfect throw. Robert honored his pledge with this promise hatchet to celebrate our love and commitment.

This is my go-to hatchet fore everyday needs.

This is my go-to hatchet fore everyday needs.

The last Hatchet – not for me, but the last hatchet from Robert. This one was given in anger (‘here! Catch this Bitch!’ I recall him saying vividly and lovingly – he was soooo cute when he was angry) but it will still be one of my favored hatchets.

Last but not least. Sigh.

Last but not least. Sigh.

Remember, handmade hatchets are the best way to say ‘I love you’, but only you know your lover’s tastes and intimate needs. The perfect hatchet for a sub 24 hour camping trip is rarely the hatchet you want to be shaving with and the best throwing hatchet is hardly the one you will want to be carrying in your purse or man bag. Shop thoughtfully, give lovingly.

Next Month: Competitive Blogging – How to garner the most hits regardless of how insipid your blog: Where to cross post, how to drop hints about your posts in casual conversation, best discount team kit suppliers for your cyclo-cross drinking team.


2 thoughts on “Which hatchet says ‘I love you’ best?

  1. IP

    Regarding the last hatchet, did Robert Pineapple throw said hatchet at her when she delivered him with divorce papers? Why does Keren still keep the Pineapple surname?

    The rando-gossip crowd MUST know the answers to these burning questions.

    1. Competitive Randonneuring and Commuting Post author

      Keren replies: I neglected to mention the mastery of that final throw which also proves unequivocally that Robert was not trying to kill me. He served the papers by flinging them at me and then flung the hatchet, which pinned the papers to the plaster. Skillful use of deadly weapons always weakens my resolve, but I remained true to my heart and left him cold. Such good times. Pineapple will always be a preferable surname to Schitzer IMHO.


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