An Open Letter to the Rider in Front of Me

I missed talking to you when you were on the bike path in the pan handle. I was riding to my weekly poetry slam session and you made it across Masonic at Fell before the light changed and I wanted desperately to speak with you.

You need new lycra shorts. The ones you are wearing are see through and I do not think you realize it.

Is that a unicorn tattoo? The reason I ask is that I don’t recall unicorns having wings, but I could be wrong. But maybe it is a sea turtle and I am looking at it upside down. Incidentally, left butt cheek means the tattoo artist was left handed too? Just wondering…

Did you get a ‘race fit’ or is your seat just set too high. It looks very uncomfortable watching your hips rock back and forth like that, and it really seems to hinder you when you try to push your bike like a skateboard to get going from a stop.

Can you please look behind you before you blow your snot rockets? I swear I was not drafting you – I was 30 feet behind – but I still got covered with mist and now my sunglasses need to be cleaned.

Oil your chain. I know you can’t hear that it is squealing because you are blasting Lady Gaga on your cell phone ear buds, but dogs are howling and I don’t think it is because of an ambulance or fire truck.

Lastly, where did you get that blinky? I still have multiple purple spots on my eyes even though I encountered you on a sunny day. I must purchase two or three of those lights to install on my commute Brompton for the commuting wars.

Cheeers, Chapeau, and Regards,

Perci Crockaphone, Editor


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