Monthly Archives: February 2014

Competitive Randonneuring and Commuting asks: What makes you cry?

Author: Robert Pinapple

Not Robert Pineapple enjoying a good cry - image swiped from the interwebs without asking - cyber hugs all round, mates!

Not Robert Pineapple enjoying a good cry – image swiped from the interwebs without asking – cyber hugs all round, mates!

During our weekly boy’s night out soirée where we usually drag out such tired and timeless subjects such as our relationships with our spouses and parents, which charter school will give our little ones the best chance in this dangerous world, what coat to buy this fall,  which loud brownies are safest, and what colour will our next Prius be, we chanced upon the subject of what makes us cry.

We all know that unless a randonnee includes some high drama or some crying it will be forgotten on the bucket list of accomplishments we set out for ourselves at our annual year end retreat at a spa of our choosing.

A poignant tearful series of confessions, weeping, and hugs followed our sharing of what makes us cry – so fulfilling! Why we went through a veritable dozen hankies and bandanas. Such a releasing and soul cleansing experience we had we decided to share our intimacies with you, the Competitive Commuter and Randonneur.

Arnie Schwinng blurted out that he had never been so mortified than this year’s opening 200k when he forgot to properly apply his bag balm: ‘I had recently argued with my parents about my career choices and had been in such a tizzy all week before the randonnee that I simply forgot to slather on the balm in my nether regions. Such a screwup for the ages! I still have scars, and I think I had to drink an extra bottle or two of water I was crying so much. I cherish those moments.’

Gram Pettitfog mentioned crying because he spilt his beer once on a fleche, but no one noticed this minor confession and ignored his hopes for attention and absolution.

Rupert Smedeley inspired us all with the announcement that he cries constantly on randonnees simply for the joy of the moment – we all hope to become as emotionally confident as Rupert some day. Sniffle.

I related a brace of brief weepings on the roadside, the disastrous results of eating one of Jane Hiney’s Hot Pockets beyond the expiration date; being completely shattered by speed wobbles and ending a miserable inconsolable heap on the roadside; and the moment I will never forget, the time my new supple tires blew while descending baby diaper pass (the strained peas side, not the boiled carrots side, thank goodness). Aauuggh! The humiliation! The pathos! The wonderful memories!

What makes you cry during a Competitive Commute or Randonnee? Let us know!

Product Recall Alert

February 12, 2014 by Linda Lopez, RUSA Product Compliance Officer

Jane Hiney’s Hot Pockets has been recalled for contamination with a pathogenic “superbug” as posted by the Fuel and Dopage Authority (FDA) office of RUSA on February 7, 2014.
Update:  Further investigation has shown Jane Hiney’s Hot Pockets is adulterated with Bromantane, a blacklisted stimulant.  Bromantane increases alertness and reduces fatigue, and is therefore banned from competitive commuting and randonneuring.

cropped-hotpocket copy

The so called “superbug” is a previously unknown species. It has been dubbed c. mauvais by investigators. It causes violent, uncontrollable food poisoning.   This ultra high magnification electron microscope image shows a colony of c. mauvais growing in the lab.  The lab culture was originally isolated from an infected K-Hound randonneur who subsisted entirely on Jane Hiney’s Hot Pockets.

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If you purchased this product, do not eat it. Return it to the place of purchase for a refund. If you ate Jane Hiney’s Hot Pockets, monitor yourself for the symptoms of food poisoning for the next 90 days. Those symptoms include flu-like symptoms, fever, headache, neck stiffness, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. If you do become ill, see your doctor and mention that you ate this recalled product.

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both-ends

This product was sold at Cousin Marty’s Market on Market Street, The Hungry K-Hound on 24th Street, Marylu’s Corner Café on Gough Street, Rafael’s Rapido-Rando-Quickie-Mart on Mission Street, Valerie’s Vegan Variety Shop on Valencia Street, Ralph’s Dollar Discount on Dolores Street and Pushkin’s Fine Foods on Balboa Avenue.

If you bought Jane Hiney’s Hot Pockets from those stores, check with the retailer to see if you purchased the recalled product. All products were sold from March 2013 to February 7, 2014. Product code 25D16X1D, BB 08 2015. Check with RUSA’s FDA web site to find exact sales dates and location addresses or contact Linda Lopez, FDA Product Compliance Officer, RUSA.

An Open Letter to the Rider in Front of Me

I missed talking to you when you were on the bike path in the pan handle. I was riding to my weekly poetry slam session and you made it across Masonic at Fell before the light changed and I wanted desperately to speak with you.

You need new lycra shorts. The ones you are wearing are see through and I do not think you realize it.

Is that a unicorn tattoo? The reason I ask is that I don’t recall unicorns having wings, but I could be wrong. But maybe it is a sea turtle and I am looking at it upside down. Incidentally, left butt cheek means the tattoo artist was left handed too? Just wondering…

Did you get a ‘race fit’ or is your seat just set too high. It looks very uncomfortable watching your hips rock back and forth like that, and it really seems to hinder you when you try to push your bike like a skateboard to get going from a stop.

Can you please look behind you before you blow your snot rockets? I swear I was not drafting you – I was 30 feet behind – but I still got covered with mist and now my sunglasses need to be cleaned.

Oil your chain. I know you can’t hear that it is squealing because you are blasting Lady Gaga on your cell phone ear buds, but dogs are howling and I don’t think it is because of an ambulance or fire truck.

Lastly, where did you get that blinky? I still have multiple purple spots on my eyes even though I encountered you on a sunny day. I must purchase two or three of those lights to install on my commute Brompton for the commuting wars.

Cheeers, Chapeau, and Regards,

Perci Crockaphone, Editor