Keep Randonneuring Pure: Cheaters Hotline!

violators will receive this polite postcard in the mail

violators will receive this polite postcard in the mail

You say you spotted illicit Rando behaviour on the web or on the road? Did that huge rider you drafted for 4 hours have a blinky tailight instead of a steady? Fear that all of those medals of accomplishment will be diminished into cheap potmetal because of someone flaunting the letter of the rules?

Complaints to your RBA unanswered?

Here’s your saviour! Report such behaviour to the Cheaters Hotline. Simply text IMA-DOUCHE-BAG to #rusarules, and stand by for arbitrators ready to hear your complaints and offer support. It is of course necessary for accusers to make their name public. If you wish to offer tips on an offender that you are too cowardly to accuse personally, simply call 1-800-WHAAAT?. Please understand that the operators for this line are very busy and that you will probably have to wait a while.

Please also understand that it is expressly written in the RUSA rules that all riders must obey traffic laws as well as those stoopid RUSA rules during randonnees.

If you are an accuser that blows through stop signs, fails to yield to pedestrians, or blasts through a red light when turning right because you are on an important ride, has crap reflective gear that is worthless, or has been running a blinding blinky as your primary tail light for the last 5 years, or simply stink real bad during randonees (fragrant violation of local decorum), the operators will know via Google Meta Data gathered from street view images and the operators will simply call you out as the shameless hypocritical scum that you are.

Keep the Spirit of Randonneuring flying high! Text or Call now, but please pull to the side of the road before doing so! We don’t want a post card in the mail, do we?


One thought on “Keep Randonneuring Pure: Cheaters Hotline!

  1. Alex-is Rodriguez

    Si, si, los tramposos se irán al infierno a vivir con el diablo y sus nombres serán borrados de todos los premios de RUSA, incluyendo las menciones de honor por bicicleta bonita. En nuestro deporte no hay sitio para tramposos; solamente para Poseurs sin nada mas que hacer que poner su nariz en el sillín sudado de otros ciclistas (huy huele podrido, tan feo!)

    Editor’s Translation:
    Yes, yes, cheaters will go to hell to live with the devil and their names will be erased from all RUSA awards, including honorable mentions for nice bike. In our sport there is no place for cheaters, only for Poseurs with nothing to do but put your nose in sweaty saddle other cyclists (huy smells rotten, so ugly!)


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