Following our Pulitzer Prize special mention winning road tests of ‘which sexual orientation is most effective for your randonneuring needs’ and ‘which political affiliation results in satisfactory finishing results for randonneuring’ RPG has extended itself to remain on the forefront of randonneur-research to keep you informed and on the bike.
To properly be able to communicate with the various higher entities, volunteers who are current members of various major religions were sourced from Craigslist. No previous Randonneuring experience was necessary for this test as moments of crisis are when randonneurs need the aid and comfort (*note below) of an higher entity the most.
Please note that RPG does not endorse any one religion over another and that the various religions reviewed and rated were limited by the religion of choice of the respondents to our Craigslist ad. Further, RPG cannot ensure the safety of your soul if any intrepid randonneurs wish to forsake their current higher entity for another to be able to finish that Grand Randonnee they have their heart set on.
All participants were enrolled in a season opening 200k amid high spirits and good intentions.
Catholicism: Craigslist subject attends mass on Easter and Christmas, and may be considered a typical specimen. Invocations used: ‘Jesus Joseph and Mary’ was ineffective. ‘Saint Anthony look around something is lost and must be found’ resulted in recovery of lost brevet card. Invocation of Anima Bendita was ineffective (test subject was unaware that purgatory has been recently ruled as nonexistent via papal bull) but she is pretty hot lookin. Test subject completed the randonnee.
Anima Bendita – invocation was inconclusive but she is pretty hot
Protestant: Craigslist subject watches various services on cable tv and listens to AM talk radio. Subject did not show to start of randonnee.
Jainism: Craigslist subject vowed to finish the randonnee, but at kilometer 76 gave randonneuse away and then succumbed to a righteous bonk when test subject refused to eat after dark.
Taoism: Craigslist subject undertrained due to action through no action and doing without doing. Test subject also became lost on course, claiming to have lost the Tao.
Ecumenism: Craigslist subject DNF’ed because test subject gave away all food, tools and randonneuse to passersby.
Other: Craigslist subject refused to divulge religion “none of yer damn business”. Test subject completed randonnee.
Conclusion and Recommendations
RPG would never dream of endorsing any higher entity over any other higher entity. Walk your own path, make your own fate, read RPG religiously. [editor’s note: the Anima Bendita is kinda hot]
*Note: a special dispensation was obtained from RUSA allowing aid from higher entities at portions of the randonnee course that were outside official controles, similar to the special dispensation allowed all cyclists who wear helmets to not stop at red lights or stop signs.