Monthly Archives: June 2013

Randonneur Reports: Ad Free product ratings for the intelligent randonneur

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Five dream randonneuses to avoid

How to manage your constructeur’s drug habit

Best craft beers for summer permanents

4 great deals on US made randonneuses for the 4th of July

The high cost of wasted perpetuum

Best and worst salves for your saddlesores

Recalls and Safety: Collapsing kick Stands, flaming GPS, waterbottle choking hazards

Wow em at the bistro by reading Randonneur Reports

Wow em at the bistro by reading Randonneur Reports

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RPG Road Test: Which higher entity is most responsive to the needs of intrepid randonneurs?

Following our Pulitzer Prize special mention winning road tests of ‘which sexual orientation is most effective for your randonneuring needs’ and ‘which political affiliation results in satisfactory finishing results for randonneuring’ RPG has extended itself to remain on the forefront of randonneur-research to keep you informed and on the bike.

To properly be able to communicate with the various higher entities, volunteers who are current members of various major religions were sourced from Craigslist. No previous Randonneuring experience was necessary for this test as moments of crisis are when randonneurs need the aid and comfort (*note below) of an higher entity the most.

Please note that RPG does not endorse any one religion over another and that the various religions reviewed and rated were limited by the religion of choice of the respondents to our Craigslist ad. Further, RPG cannot ensure the safety of your soul if any intrepid randonneurs wish to forsake their current higher entity for another to be able to finish that Grand Randonnee they have their heart set on.

All participants were enrolled in a season opening 200k amid high spirits and good intentions.

Catholicism: Craigslist subject attends mass on Easter and Christmas, and may be considered a typical specimen. Invocations used: ‘Jesus Joseph and Mary’ was ineffective. ‘Saint Anthony look around something is lost and must be found’ resulted in recovery of lost brevet card. Invocation of Anima Bendita was ineffective (test subject was unaware that purgatory has been recently ruled as nonexistent via papal bull) but she is pretty hot lookin. Test subject completed the randonnee.

Anima Bendita - invocation was inconclusive but she is pretty hot

Anima Bendita – invocation was inconclusive but she is pretty hot

Protestant: Craigslist subject watches various services on cable tv and listens to AM talk radio. Subject did not show to start of randonnee.

Jainism: Craigslist subject vowed to finish the randonnee, but at kilometer 76 gave randonneuse away and then succumbed to a righteous bonk when test subject refused to eat after dark.

Taoism: Craigslist subject undertrained due to action through no action and doing without doing. Test subject also became lost on course, claiming to have lost the Tao.

Ecumenism: Craigslist subject DNF’ed because test subject gave away all food, tools and randonneuse to passersby.

Other: Craigslist subject refused to divulge religion “none of yer damn business”. Test subject completed randonnee.

Conclusion and Recommendations

RPG would never dream of endorsing any higher entity over any other higher entity. Walk your own path, make your own fate, read RPG religiously. [editor’s note: the Anima Bendita is kinda hot]

*Note: a special dispensation was obtained from RUSA allowing aid from higher entities at portions of the randonnee course that were outside official controles, similar to the special dispensation allowed all cyclists who wear helmets to not stop at red lights or stop signs.

RPG Fashion Function Investigative Report: Which Brown Shoes are the Safest?

Another inspirational and intrepid foray into the cutting edge of fashion and function to meet all of your Poseur-charlatan needs! RPG editorial board members have long since discarded the red pumps and the thick wool socks with crocks of last year’s tired fashion followers and have adopted the Randonneuring dream shoes of the moment, Loud Brown Shoes!

Join us as we discuss the latest and loudest with Max Strider, proprietrix of Shoe Candy in Los Gatos and Foot Fetish of Polk Gulch, SF!

Remember, RPG adheres to the credo of our fellow bikers the Harley HOG folks that ‘loud pipes save lives’ albeit we say ‘loud shoes save lives’. Follow our advice and save yourselves from fashion and posing faux pas this season!

We the editorial board of already know all of your habits because Google tells us. Your shoe habits in particular disturb us.

To review, here are some simple pointers:

bad shoes

bad shoes – too quiet – too dangerous

qualities of a good shoe with a fine quarter-sawn english oak heel

qualities of a good shoe with a fine quarter-sawn english oak heel

RPG: Max can you cut to the quick and just tell us which randonneuring dream shoes to buy?

Max: Why certainly! Here are four pair of shoes to add to your collection today!

Max Strider choice #1 dBa: 97 features: reflective in all weather, stylie all the time. cost: $399 US

Max Strider choice #1
dBa: 97
features: reflective in all weather, stylie all the time. optional lighting system available.
cost: $399 US

Max Strider choice #2 dBa: 89 Quieter but not submissive! cost: $259 US

Max Strider choice #2
dBa: 89
Quieter but not submissive!
cost: $259 US

Max Strider choice #3 dBa: 92 A fine choice for your readers with olive skin tone. cost: $420 US

Max Strider choice #3
dBa: 92
A fine choice for your readers with olive skin tone.
cost: $420 US

Max Strider choice #4 dBa: 91 A conservative choice for the traditional Poseur. cost: $299 US

Max Strider choice #4
dBa: 91
A conservative choice for the traditional Poseur.
cost: $299 US

RPG: Thanks Max! Any final comments?

Max: Sure sweety – any RPG readers who shop at either Shoe Candy or Foot Fetish and make a purchase of over $550 US will get a free pass to karaoke night at Divas, right down the street from my shop. Ta Ta!