Tips for Technophobes: Google Voice Explicated

We’ve all been there: last Ensure consumed two hours ago, gave away your patch kit to that cute randonneure, and your Extra Leger tire just blew out. It’s 3 am, 60 km to the next control, and the Denny’s in Petaluma burned down (this important information was not on the info doc!!).

There is no way you are finishing this brevet, buddy. Face it. And you can’t turn to your fellow randonneurs because you’ve been heckling their abominable sense of cycle style without mercy for the past 200 miles. In fact, they just rode past while giggling senselessly, completely ignorant of you and your tired m’ass at the side of the road.

Drawing from your experiences of PDP 2016, the correct course of action would be to wrap yourself in your space blanket, bury yourself in the sand, fire off your safety flare, and wait for your Touareg allies to come get you. But thankfully, we live in a modern society filled with convenience, electronic shifting, fact filled blogs, and… Google Voice!!

Google Voice uses command prompts for the following eventualities:

#-W-W-C-W-D: off life course/need philosophical direction (does not require knowledge of current life plan)

#-T-M-I: out of bag balm, Safeway out of stock on ChapStick

#-N-O-A-A: need weather data on other side of hill immediately

#-L-O-L-R-O-G: need location of nearest Denny’s

#whaaaat?: broke a spoke, derailleur hanger broke off, etc

#-A-S-A-F-P: beer me

#-S-O-S: dial a joke

#-R-B-A: you want your mama

#-A-F-D-N: how far to the next control?

#-A-O-B: how much climbing is in this randonnee?

#-8-6: my gps battery died

#-D-U-I: found nice brewpub, not coming back

#-B-F-D: DNF

03-15-30_lily-tomlin-1_original

All conscientious randonneurs are under strident advisement to program these codes into their CBs, pagers, or smartphones as part of their essential preparations for the upcoming longer rides this brevet season. Your cooperation is appreciated by all the volunteers eagerly awaiting your call at your local Google Voice Emergency Robophone Switchboard. One ringie-dingie. Two ringie-dingie…

 

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